"Fuck You Krang"

Remember your days of youth and exuberance? The days when your most virile and enthusiastic moments were about the most mundane and trivial things? You know, the ones before free flowing booze and rampant syphillis? I'm speaking of the days when there were the most miraculous things; known only as "Turtle Power" and "Cowabunga!"

Let me guide you into my twisted world for just a second...

I'm sure you can remember Krang, right? Shredder's fat little Neo-Cortex whom resided in a fat exosuit made of absconded alien armor from other planets? Yes, that Krang! That nasally voiced emphysema reminiscient tool box! That fat fucking little alien with tentacles for arms whom tried to take over the world on "the daily".

Awww, Krang. What a cutie!

Well as luck would have it, I have been graced with my own dimension of hell upon marrying my PregoWife... Krang wreaks havoc upon this worn and trodden planet once more, only this time as the Mother In-Law.

You're probably thinking I am making all this up, Correct? Maybe, I'm just having a "Flashback" from my childhood. Maybe it's just the shrooms talking? Could be multiple personalities? Oh my kings!

Oh, no... You Fucks. There is a correlation. Right down to their physical characteristics.

-Their Cellulite... These two posses an uncanny amount of cellulite, right down to their arms... The Mother In-Law possesses Bat Flaps so horrendous and frightening, the likes of which were they to fall into the wrong hands, would induce mass hysteria and vomitting world wide. I do not wish her presence among my worst enemies. I don't even think Mars would take her, not even for the cost effective start-up geared towards the whole life on other planets schtick.

-Their Inner Workings... I once presumed to think the Mother In-Law was in fact, in possession of, a real live Vagina. According to my Father In-Law, this is not the case. They are not even cohabitating in the same bed at night. Instead what once was her Child Shooter, her Velvet Gine, is now a small Neo-Cortex whom contradicts itself on a daily basis and throws shrill guttural unstructured sentences out that she refers to only as "Suggestions"...

-Their mission for World Domination. Krang had an entire Army up his fat brainy little ass. Now this army was not the most efficient, but Goddamnit they gave it all they had. They went through hell and back again against the most badass mutant turtles on the planet. The Mother In-Law merely relies on her past experiences. She hits you with advice missiles which fire directly from her weathered generic cosmetics covered face. These words of wisdom in which she induces upon you will damage your fragile mind and body more so than a Panzer at 50 paces from World War 2. Yes, Internet, it is that fucking awesome. There is nothing in the world the Mother In-Law has not endured, and yes, Internet, she has always had it more worse off than you.

She is the woman whom will wake you up in the wee hours of afternoon after you have been out drinking all night, only so she might wake your very angry and aggressive PregoWife. Her reason for doing such things? She has acquired a new t-shirt for PregoWife and PregoWife must wake from her Ego Waffle induced slumber to subjugate herself to the wonders of the local Hollister apparel.

Fuck you Krang!

There are now only three things I know....

1. I need a cigarette.

2. PregoWife has gone back to sleep.

3. I already know I'm fucked upon her awakening.

Consult a handful of deities for me. Get the one to help me whom provides the best possible outcome for an after life.