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Just One Of The Guys Internet, I hate the fucking foreign concepts having to do with male camaraderie. If you feel the need to tell me I belong, or I have done something remotely worthy of praise; that's fine. However, do not smack my fucking ass. Do not put your dirty fingers around my nipples and squeeze. Do not give me some fucking handshake in which we have to come together for the ceremonial bumping of chests. Just tell me I did fine. It's that fucking simple. It is not in my ability to imitate homosexuals in order to befriend other males or to feel like I fucking belong. I could care less about anything associated with being a male, except for staring at beautiful well rounded breasts. Drinking beer, staring a women, and scratching your nuts first thing in the morning are what creates the constitution of the modern day man.
What the fuck is it with guys hitting each other in the fucking balls? Seriously, no one is going to go near my elephant sized golden testicles, but the PregoWife. Even then, she is still prone to filling out large masses of paper work for permission. What kind of fucking tool came up with the idea that hitting someone in the genitalia is now a sign of friendship? Get a fucking clue. Putting your genitals in peril, so that you might fit in, makes you about as awesome as the only hooker in L.A. without Gonorrhea. It's fucking ignorant. There is no point in this. The only thing a shot in the nuts offers, is humor, and then a well deserving ass kicking for person who did it. That is all! This whole concept is nowhere near cool, nor is it funny unless you're going to get thrown a quick and well deserved beating.
Internet, why is it, most males being closet homophobes will continue to go around humping eachother? Is there something I'm missing out on here in all of this? Am I supposed to go around humping my friends from behind so that people might laugh? The last I checked, my sexual orientation revolved around the ever mighty Gine. However, now because I want to be like all the other guys, I have to go around and hump them in rapid awkward succession? This is so fucking stupid, I can't even find words to really describe. Why the fuck are you compromising your sexuality to actually get a laugh? Seriously, what is the fucking point in going around and slapping your pal's nuts and then humping him from behind? Do you realize that you've probably just initiated a man date? You've now probably done more flirting in 5 minutes than the average gay man does in a single year. Just fucking wear a dress and come out already.
The next person who tries to do some contrived handshake with parts of my upper body is going to die. Seriously, there is only way in all of customary America to introduce yourself. It's called the fucking "handshake". Both parties are to extend their hands, touch palms and grasp. Give a pump or two if you want entertainment. That is it. It is not go further than this, I should not have to bring my hand up as if I'm hailing Mary and then bump into your chest so I can smell whatever Guido Cologne your picked up at the local mall. You are not cool enough for me to want to rub my upper body across in any way shape or form. I would rather sit through an Usher concert than endure this shit one more fucking time.
Internet, It's a little thing called dignity. 
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