Fighting Solves Everything

Internet, whatever happened to becoming pissed off to a point well beyond reproach and breaking someone's fucking jaw? Why is it that everytime I feel it necessary to settle my differences with someone, I am threatened again and again with frivelous acts such as law suits and phrases loosely thrown about regarding "Assault" and "Battery". America, your definition of solving problems and mine differ signicantly. Were I to have an on-going discrepancy with an individual I would not inform the authorities or enlist aid from those in immediate proximity. I would instead, reach back and pull forth a fist composed entirely of raw hate, rage, and titanium. A fist so versatile and legendary it can punch through the very fabric of the universe and level small third world villages. A fist so adept it can cripple retards and perfectly season a steak to perfection. Are you getting the fucking picture?

Most Americans tremble in fear at the mere thought of having to take a punch, and given this fact I have taken it upon myself to provide you with a fair and legally binding contract. This contract, should you feel the need to light up a motherfucker in ways reminiscent of Street Fighter 2, will serve as a full and legal binding means to keep your lack witted ass from becoming violated and passed around like a bitch in prison. Feel free to print off multiple copies and give them as gifts to the people who feel the need to ruin every day of your mediocre existence. Don't misunderstand Internet. Throwing punches, elbows, and taking a steaming dump on someone's chest should always remain a last resort; unless you're me and you're governed by your own laws which state that shitting on someone's chest is always the most effective immediate response.

Your fist Internet, despite what you may have been coerced into thinking by modern day society, is more effective than any judicial procedure that was created by small down trodden pussies with pocket protectors. If you are an individual who persists in solving all your problems through judiciary proceedings and calling your local authorities, you need to staple a vagina to your forehead so as to warn others of your clear lack of manhood. Internet, there are no limitations on whom you may kick the shit out of and whom you may not. If you possess a mouth and are capable of talking shit, then you are most certainly capable of taking a beating. If a man with crutches were to insult my manhood and life style, I would not hesitate to smash his fucking cock socket with a hammer like motion. Just the same, if a quadriplegic were to abruptly start talking shit, I would then rip the wheel off of his wheelchair and proceed to lay a steaming dump of satisfaction upon his chest.

If You Can Talk Shit, You Can Take A Beating

Internet, go watch Fight Club.

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