"Identity Crises, It's The New Herpes"

Why do you have to make yourselves look so fucking stupid, Internet? Why is it continually plaguing me every time I awaken from my beer-induced slumber. I don't think this would happen if I didn't ever turn on the television or log onto the Internet. I seriously can't fucking shake this. Rodney Carrington had a bit about taking the warning labels off of products and letting the stupid remove themselves from the gene pool on their own accord... Ron White almost nailed it when he said, "You can't fix stupid." and he was fucking wasted at the time.

Everyday I decide to step out my front door, unfortunately it's often, as I'm famous and the masses lie prostrate at my feet begging for autographed pictures of my balls. I see something completely and utterly mind fucking. Do you understand the picture I am trying to draw you, Internet? No, of course not. It's because you're fucking morons and you're shameless contributors to this shit. You people seem to check your identities at the door as you exit your little homes everyday.

What the fuck is it with the way you all act, speak, dress, and just all around live? What the fuck is wrong with this fucking piss poor excuse for a nation? Why am I continually seeing white kids impersonating Nelly and Snoop Dogg?? Why the fuck does every car I see and hear on the road look like it's pieced together from an 80's Honda and sound like it needs Immodim AD? Why do college kids study in Starbucks and never actually buy a single fucking cup of coffee? Why the fuck is Madonna who lives in London, wearing a t-shirt that says "Shalom Motherfucker!" Oh, that's better. Madonna finally sparked your interest. "Like A Virgin" occurred almost two fucking decades ago, and her cones are now suffering from the rigors of "gravity". Just let it go...

Look white children of middle class suburbia. You are not fucking Black. Save being Black for Black people. They were born Black, trust me, they know they're Black. You are not well versed in culture or "down with brothas" if you buy Sean John jeans and Mecca t-shirts. No one fucking cares. Every time I hear some form of broken ebonics/english from your cock holsters I pity you. I want to slap you in the fucking cock socket and donkey punch your mother for financing your "I Wanna Be Like Snoop" fashion on her fucking Visa card. You do nothing but make yourselves look absolutely fucking stupid. No one thinks you're cool. You're not hard because you're imitating BET. You're a fucking moron who needs to be tied down and molested by a Catholic Priest. Yes, I said a fucking priest. What else are they good for? Oh, case in point, Internet, if you feel this tirade isn't deserved, just look below.

Now secondly, why the fuck are celebrities walking around wearing fucking Jewish t-shirts? Seriously, I do not see any fucking A-lister going to Temple. The last thing I heard about any fucking Jewisms was when Mel Gibson was pulled over and began calling the arresting officer "Sugar Tits" and blaming his drunkenness on the Jews. Madonna and both Demi Moore can be feautured in Time and People Magazine wearing fucking Jew wear. Don't get me wrong, I love a Jew as much an anyone and more so than Hitler, but seriously? What the fuck?

What the fuck is wrong with your fucking automobiles? I hate this goddamned Too Fast and Too Furious epidemic. This shit has been sweeping across the entire nation. I've had many conversations with kids with three foot spoilers and body-kits rubber cemented onto their fucking 2001 Dodge Neons, and they always tell me they drive a ricer. NEWSFLASH MORONS, the term ricer is of Asian Origin. You're basically telling me you spent hundreds of fucking dollars to look like you work for fucking Google. Not only do these fucking douchebags spend this money to make their cars look totally Paul Walker and Vin Diesel, but they do nothing to the engine of their poorly modded piece of shit. Congratulations Dipshits. You people do realize that Vin Diesel is rumored to be gay right? Seriously, your inspiration for this shit came from an actor who's hobbies may or may not include sucking cocks.

Lastly, I fucking hate Starbucks. I hate the fact that they have overpriced coffee in a variety of 4,999,370,154 flavors and it all tastes the same. I hate the fucking fact that college students and depressing social inert morons go there and don't drink the fucking coffee. I hate the fucking fact that these people have no identities whatsoever outside of a fucking Starbucks. Look Dumbass, if you're going to Starbucks to study, turn the fuck around and go to the library. Nobody thinks you're mysterious as you sit in the corner with your fucking Apple IBook while listening to ColdPlay on your fucking Ipod. You do realize your piece of shit IBook plays music just as well as your Ipod right? Why the fuck is it every time I drive by a fucking Starbucks, all I see are 40 people in line waiting to get coffee and people inside the building are doing fuck all but sitting there staring aimlessly into an upside down Sociology book? Starbucks is not where people who have any fucking common sense frequent. Try a bar. Fuck it, go to a movie theater and strike up a conversation in the middle of the next Hollywood fuck-up. I'll even let you be that guy who I elbow in the cock socket for talking in the movie theater. I don't care. Just get the fuck out of Starbucks and learn to masturbate like everyone else. Do anything other than what you are doing right now!